As I approach my birth date, I reflect on my life somewhat and what's happened, how things are, and how it's going.
When I look back at my younger self, I can only smile now at some of my mistakes, my naivete, my ignorance in so many aspects of life, which led me to having anxiety/depression in my twenties. I used to feel life was against me, not for me. I used to feel people were out to judge and criticise me all the time, not to be loving or kind. I used to lash out with anger and insecurity, time and time again.
But I understand now, that all of this was just lessons to learn, to hone and build my inner self to become more robust and more dedicated to understanding how to be happy and how to be peaceful to life. I always wanted peacefulness, because my earlier life was anything but peaceful, through actions of others and my own actions/responses.
So now I'm in my fifties, things have changed so much and my relationship to life has changed so much.
12 years ago (or so, can't remember the exact date), I discovered mindfulness (in particular, a zen approach to mindfulness that encapsulates a lot of Buddhist teachings), and my life was never going to stay stagnant in the depths of anxiety and depression from that point on. I had a health scare 12 years ago where I was diagnosed with an uncommon condition called Sarcoidosis. This affected my immune system and caused my body to flare up to fight an infection that wasn't actually there. It was a rite of passage for me, a way to really begin to look deeply at myself, because I was frightened by the illness which was beginning to interfere with my daily life, and I didn't want it to get worse.
Through the mindfulness practices, very simple, very simple practices, like drinking a cup of tea mindfully, or going for a mindful walk, I began to unravel all the thoughts, all the conditioning, all the rules and mindsets my brain had decided was the right things to have in order to keep me safe from harm (but were actually causing me far more harm).
I was diligent at the practices and enjoyed mindfulness so much, as it was the first method I had ever discovered that was about being kind to myself, about allowing things to be and letting things settle on their own without any striving or fixing mentality. It was all about befriending myself, and through its practice I've learned so much about myself to the point now that I'm reaching the innermost self - which IS the kind, open heart we ALL have, tucked away.
So, right now, I'm feeling happy and peaceful. All that past stuff was just fuel for me to grow to this point. I don't need to worry about the future any longer either, because I know that I've got the practice of mindfulness that will always help me, no matter what happens or what I have to go through.
The ongoing practice, daily, is to simply be aware of my actions: what I do, why I do them, how I feel when I'm doing them and how I respond to the daily rituals of life. This results in me doing things with far more conscious awareness than sub-conscious conditioning/patterns and old rule sets. The bottom line is acting from the heart, not the head, from love, not fear.
I'll continue to share mindfulness teachings with whoever needs them or wants them, but my main role in life is to 'be' the peace and the presence so that others can benefit from it.
I still make 'mistakes', but they're looked out more keenly these days, and I always learn a lesson from them. I also let go of them more easily, and no longer beat myself up or feel guilty or angry. I also no longer blame others for what happened to me when I was younger (I used to!) but just see everyone and everything as a rich tapestry of learning, of pulling me on to THIS awe-inspiring moment where I can sit in peace and harmony with life.
So, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading! Reflection over lol.
I hope everyone has a fantastic week.
And yes, I will be celebrating my 'continuation day' with cake.
